MIL/FIL

I don’t know who to write about, my father-in-law (FIL) or my mother-in-law (MIL). In the end, I believe it will be about both.

First of all I want to say that I love and admire my mother-in-law. She is a strong woman, both physically and emotionally. My father-in-law, not so much. Lucky for him my mother-in-law is both physically and emotionally strong, otherwise, some say, he may have done some jail time because his beatings came close to killing her many a time. As it is, he should be in prison for other things his children say he has done, like having her signature forged on the divorce decree and other documents. My mother-in-law, aside from the above mentioned strengths, is also very kind hearted and forgiving. Again, lucky for my father-in-law.

My MIL says that whenever she sees a depiction of the Passion of Christ she is reminded of the physical abuse she sustained from him on a regular basis. Sometimes it was her head to the ceramic floor/wall/sink pounding, sometimes it was open hand slaps and/or punches and other times it was whippings with a thick leather belt, with him yelling at her that the next time it would be with the belt buckle. She was often dragged by her hair across the house prior to a beating. Why or how she survived, no one knows, perhaps to tell the story? She tells me she would be unable to walk or sit for days. Her son, my beloved and traumatized husband, tells me stories of all five children standing on the other side of the bedroom door wailing, pleading, crying, banging on the door begging him to stop, trying to knock the door down, not knowing if he would stop, praying that he would not kill her. If any of the children got in the way, he would hit them or send them flying, usually him and his older sister. The neighbors would run to her and tell her to hide because "the monster" was on his way home and he was angry about something or other and would surely take it out on her. My FIL has often used the excuse that she “was a jealous woman” my husband tells me that it wasn’t so much that she was a jealous woman, but instead she was a woman whose husband cheated on her on a regular basis. Some of his children have been heard using the same excuse, as if there is an excuse to justify a beating that can be compared to the Passion of Christ. My husband tells me that due to limited resources the five children had to sleep in one bed. He tells me that due to limited resources they had to cut out the tips of their shoes to wear them a bit longer. What little money there was, was used for my FIL’s cheating ways; women, including setting at least one of them up in her own apartment. But the ultimate betrayal was when he cheated on her with her own cousin. The cousin, who now flaunts the betrayal as a badge of honor, was having a rough time in her own life. My generous and kind hearted MIL took her in and shared what little my MIL had with her. The cousin, a woman who does not respect the bond of blood or the sacrament of marriage, plotted to dispose of his five children in one way or another. My FIL sent his children away if they were not married. Soon after, he married the cousin. She knew that if she had a child with him she could form a family unit and take him away from his other children. When she was unable to conceive they found a woman who was known to give or sell her children away. And that is what they did. They made arrangements to keep the child she was carrying. Some say that the cousin wore maternity clothes while the biological mother was pregnant to fool the townspeople and that they paid to have the birth certificate altered to reflect their names as the birth parents. This child who doesn’t know her birth mother or her biological siblings was raised by the most tender and loving father. Never did she see my FIL raise a hand to the woman who raised her. She has been given every luxury possible. While my husband does not begrudge that my FIL has paid for her multiple degrees abroad. He does begrudge that he and his siblings have been excluded in every possible way. They have been excluded emotionally and financially. My husband has questions that he wants answers to; what about the five siblings that grew up so traumatized by their father's abusive treatment? Why has it been so easy for him to discard them as if they are disposable? Why does he now reject them? I believe that the children he had with their mother represent a part of him that he is terribly ashamed of. Perhaps he regrets his past abusive actions. But then why doesn’t he simply acknowledge that it happened and ask for forgiveness and make things right and begin a relationship of inclusion? That is how true healing will begin. Unfortunately, as often happens, pride gets in the way.